Confession One: I fucking HATE exercise!
It is boring, stupid, repetative, and sheeplike. Lift the bar, lower the bar; step up, step down, breath in, breath out -- what is the fucking point? (Actually I am pretty much still on board with the whole breath in, breath out thing; but you know what I mean)
Confession Two: I am getting older.
To borrow from Frank Herbert: I am forty, fat, and fermented. . . where do I go from here? Getting old sucks. It hurts to do things now. My children can now out run me. I get tired taking a crap. I sweat when I walk from my door to the car. It is time to throw in the towel and be a sweaty, fat, slow, tired, gimpy old fart . . . or do something about it.
So why, of all things, a triathlon? My personal version of a triathlon is drinking, smoking, and fucking. For me, an iron-man would be a seventy-two hour marathon with a 2 litre bottle of J&B, a carton of Camel nonfilters, and a trio of Chinese contortionists. If this were an Olympic event I would definitely be a medal contender. But why swimming, biking, and running?
First, triathlons take place outdoors. Second, they all start in one place and end in an entirely different place. I am actually going places; no gerbil wheel. Third, I am definitely a function over form kind of person. I am not too concerned about what I look like -- I already know that I am a god damn good lookin' man. All I am concerned about is being able to do things without breathing hard and sweating (excluding, of course, the third event in my personal triathlon). Plus, swimming, biking, and running are all things that I think are useful in and of themselves as opposed to a sit-up or a bench press.
Okay, the first thing I guess I should do is set a goal. Therefore, I am picking a triathlon which I will hence begin to train for. After a brief internet search I believe I have found my cherry-breaking event (drum roll): The 18th Annual AMICA Try Andy's Tri.
This is scheduled for Sunday, October 17, 2010. This gives me roughly six months to get in shape. The event consists of a 300 meter swim / 10 mile bike ride / 3 mile run. I am not too concerned about the bike ride, but the swim is a lake swim so I am pretty much resigned to drowning (Crawdads gotta eat, same as buzzards and worms). I figure that the 3 mile run is simply a matter of persistence; as long as I maintain some sort of foward locomotion I should be able to manage it.
I've found a couple of beginner training routines on the interenet, and I'll give those a shot. I believe that some beginning stats are in order so hold on while I go step on a scale. I am back, and more depressed than ever. Here are the official starting stats:
Height: 6' 2" Weight: 276 Waiste: 42
Swim time (300m): unknown
Bike time (10 miles): unknown
Run time (3 miles): unknown
My fighting weight is about 220, but, as I said, my sole concern in this endeavor is performance. So long I can swim 300 yards, bike 10 miles, and run (or whatever) 3 miles, then I don't really care what I weigh doing it.
I will try and update my stats periodically, just to mark the progress (or lack thereof).
Please feel free to post me any advise, encouragement, derision, or any other motivating snippets.
Onward and upward,
The Anti-Triathlete
